I feel like the last few days I have had a few things that I thought I could write about or that have been on my mind, but I just haven't. Some times I think I am afraid of it being boring to everyone else....which I am sure it is, but I have to remind myself that I will want to go back and read these things. I will want to know what was going on in our life....even if it is just some random thoughts I have or worries I have. So to start I have been feeling very anxious and excited about having Tayden soon. I am 9 weeks out now and I feel so ready to bring this new spirit into our home. I think this child is going to add a whole new dynamic to our family. With that being said it also brings me to a very familiar place of worry and concern also. Jared should be graduating shortly after I have Tayden, but we really don't know what is happening from there. There are so many things that Jared could do and be successful at, but the problem is knowing which career path to choose, and then waiting to see if anything happens. He had talked about the FBI, CIA, NSA, or maybe staying in school and getting his master's. He has had the head of the Spanish department at BSU tell him that he should teach. Whatever it is I just feel like it is a waiting game to know what is going to happen. I feel scared that I am going to have Tayden and then have to come back to this full time graveyard shift, and I really don't want to. I know it wouldn't be the end of the world, but I just don't want to have to do that. So then I wonder if I do go to part time, what job is Jared going to get to make ends meet until he figures out his real career path.....ahhhh.....I hate this. I guess I need to have a little more faith that the lord will take care of us. As long as we are doing what we need to do I know the lord will provide... I just need to trust that.
So moving on....I am learning more and more everyday about the little person Boston is becoming. I have discovered that he loves tomatoe soup but doesn't really care for ketchup (like his mom). He would pretty much do anything for a sweet bag of peanut M&M's (like his dad.) And he really hates it when he thinks jared is mad at him or he is in trouble with him. I think Boston looks up to Jared so much that whenever he gets in trouble with him or makes him mad you can see the concern in Boston's face. It's like he is so sad that he has disappointed his dad. It breaks my heart to see him react to Jared like that, yet brings me back to the way I felt often growing up not ever wanting to disappoint my dad. And similarly the way I feel when I think I have upset Jared. Isn't it funny the things you pass on to your kids?
The other thing I have noticed about Boston is that he has become very sensitive in the last little while. Tonight I was watching a show with Jared, and Boston was sitting on the couch with us playing with a really loud toy. He kept hitting one button over and over again until finally I just snapped at him and said, "Boston!" He immediately looked up at me with these sad eyes and his bottom lip got heavy and he pushed the toy off his lap. He started to cry and just put his face into my shoulder. I felt so bad...it broke me heart to see that I had hurt his feelings. I love our little boy so much, and always want him to know that and feel that. It makes me wonder how I could ever love another child as much as I love him. I know that I will, but it is amazing to me how much you could feel for the people in your life. I have watched Jared this week as he has stressed about three tests he has tomorrow, and I just wish that I could take some of that burden and stress away from him. I love him so much, and hate to see him struggle or stress. I want nothing, but for him to be happy. Anyway I am so grateful for the two men (soon to be three) in my life. They bring me such joy in so many different ways. I truly am blessed.
White Cheddar and Bacon Crostini
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