Sunday, April 10, 2016

This is Really Hard.

I feel like for weeks I have had so much on my mind that I wanted to sit down and write about, but I just feel so stressed and overwhelmed with my life right now that I hardly feel like I even have the time to do it.
I started working from home a few weeks ago for my brothers. The first couple weeks were really really hard and stressful. I think I cried pretty much every day. I felt like I couldn't possibly do the work and not feel like I was totally neglecting my kids or other responsibilities in some way. I was back and forth between the computer and the twins literally all day. I HATED it and it really had me doubting the feelings and confirmation I had before that this was an answer to our prayers. I just think right now the twins are SO much work. They are a full time job alone. Then you add four other kids, the house, cooking, cleaning, I could go on. I just was/am really struggling to feel like I can do it all. And it makes me question why in the world Heavenly Father thought I could handle twins. I've prayed a lot. And I just keep telling myself that this will get easier and that I can do this....especially as the twins get into a more consistent, predictable schedule.
The days are especially long right now because Jared is coaching all three boy's teams and he has young men's so three nights a week he is gone till after 8:00 pm and I am doing it all on my own, but I did feel like I could see a little light at the end of the tunnel this week.  I felt like I was on top of the work and getting into a flow that became much more efficient for me. I think I am learning that I will have to let some things go and just be ok if I can't get to them. I also realized that I have to ask and expect more out of my older children. I need their help. 
Anway, there is so much more I want to say but even as I sit here I still feel like I am lost in my mind and I don't know what I want to say or how to explain it. I feel worn out. I guess this is just really hard. I love these babies, but this is hard.

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